Penis Envy or “2012 is Gonna Be My Year!”

Putting another year behind, I gotta say, 2011 was a year of reinvention. The penultimate year of my thirties, and I found myself switching sales industries midstream. And I’m all the better for doing so. 

I gave up drinking for six months and my belly thanked me for it. While I haven’t sworn off beer entirely, my drink of choice involves more red varietals or a delicious spiced rum. 

Here’s to a new year, dear reader. You’re probably wondering, “What’s with the penis envy?” 

Allow me share to share a pair of stories, one at the end of the year and one that happened on New Year’s Day.

Picture the scene: Christmas mass. Holy day, right? I’m getting into the service. I’m listening and responding to the prayers, but to my left and one row up, I’m distracted by a young boy with his hand in his pocket. If I had to guess, he wasn’t much older than 13. At first, it looked like he was shifting some pocket change. When it looked like he was pulling downward repeatedly, maybe he wasn’t looking for quarters. Every time the congregation stood, his hand went straight back into his pocket, tugging more furiously at something else that stood at attention.

The not-so-subtle game of pocket hockey got so intense, the boy’s father had to intervene by mouthing, “Stop doing that.” Thank goodness I didn’t have to shake his hand during the sign of peace.

To be that young with a lack of self-control.

New Year’s evening found me walking the dog. My route has been the same the last five years, only the neighbor’s have changed. One house in particular has a new family living there after the last tenants left town suddenly. A chubby blonde boy played basketball in his driveway. Several weeks back, he had streaks of pink in it. On my walks, I block out the world with my iPod. Not this evening.

As I strolled past the boy in his driveway, he dribbled his basketball and sang aloud “My dick is so long. My dick is sooo long. I bet it’s bigger than yours…”

Where was my iPod when I needed it? I continued my walk and as I turned back to go home, I passed the boy again who said, “Oooo, if your dog shits in his yard, they’re gonna sue you! If your dog shits I bet it’s gonna stink real bad!”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “Excuse me, do you think I can’t hear you?” I asked from across the street.

“What did you say?” chubby boy with the apparent long dick asked.

“Did you want me to come over there and repeat myself?” I replied.


“I didn’t think so.”

Happy friggin’ new year.

Kids today, I tell ya.

I did some yard work today. Looking down towards the end of my block, I saw chubby blonde boy dribbling his basketball again. In mid stride, he’d fallen in the middle of the street and an on-coming car had to make an abrupt stop.

I guess he tripped over his dick.

* * *

Highlights of 2011:
–Seeing Duran Duran during the “Ellen” taping at Universal Orlando.
–Getting my new Ford Fiesta.
–Quitting my marketing associate’s job with a food distributor.
–Starting my gig as a wine & spirits sales consultant.

Best Personal Moment:
–Losing nearly 15lbs.

Favorite Albums of 2011:
1. PJ Harvey “Let England Shake”
2. Bon Iver “Bon Iver”
3. Foo Fighters “Wasting Light”
4. Beastie Boys “Hot Sauce Committee, Pt. 2”
5. Ryan Adams “Ashes & Fire”

Looking forward to in 2012:
–A productive and prosperous year.
–An incredible Adam Ant concert! You going?
–A Smiths reunion, if Moz can’t score a record deal, he needs to phone the boys up for a new album & tour. Noel Gallagher agrees.


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